Relational Fears: Wants + Needs + Desires = Control (Minus) Faith = FEAR

Understanding Your Relational Fears

If you are a human being between the age of 12 and 80 then you have no doubt encountered a relationship or two or three or four or more along the way—-ROMANTIC OR OTHERWISE the following will help you.  Relational Fears are global, regardless of your language, race, creed, ethnic background, culture, element, class, or style. And to make sure you understand the Relational Fears you are facing now or that you will soon be faced with, let’s take a look at what Your INDIVIDUAL FEARS might look like for you.

1. You hurt. What does your hurt look like? Think of the range of emotions you feel when you are wounded: bewilderment, sadness, disconnection, anger, confusion, worry, rage, frustration, horror, embarrassment. Those are just a handful of the words that could describe your real-life hurts.

2. You want. When you hurt, you want a solution. You want things that will make you feel better. Sometimes you might think that eating will make you feel better, shopping will replace the hurt, focusing on the children or other things will make you forget your troubles, drinking will dull the pain. You spin lists of things that you believe would satisfy your wants. Or you reduce the conflict to that one, solitary thing that you believe you need to feel satisfied: if only the other person would change so that you could feel better.

Without realizing it, you often expect that the other person will change to satisfy you and give you what you want. You see that person both as your problem and as your solution: You think, If only my spouse would change. Or, If only I had a different boss, I would get the promotion at work. Or, If only she would just … Or, If only my friends would … The end of that sentence is always: then I could be happy.

Do you see the common thread in all this thinking? Two words: misplaced expectations. When you expect people, places, and things to fulfill your wants, you will be disappointed. And anytime you put your expectations for help in the wrong place, the result is fear.

Our Wants

ACCEPTANCE—I want to be warmly received without condition.

GRACE—I want something good (e.g., forgiveness) that I don’t deserve.

CONNECTION—I want to be united to others.

COMPANIONSHIP—I want deep, intimate relationships.

SUCCESS—I want to achieve or accomplish something.

SELF-DETERMINATION—I want to have independence and free will.

UNDERSTANDING—I want to be known.

LOVE—I want to feel attractive to others.

VALIDATION—I want to be valued for who I am.

COMPETENCE—I want to have skills and ability that bring success.

RESPECT—I want to be admired and esteemed.

WORTH—I want to feel important.

HONOR—I want to feel like a priceless treasure.

COMMITMENT—I want to have unconditional security in relationships.

SIGNIFICANCE—I want to have meaning and purpose.

ATTENTION—I want to be noticed.

COMFORT—I want to feel a sense of well-being.

SUPPORT—I want to be cared for.

APPROVAL—I want to be liked and accepted.

WANTED—I want to be sought after.

SAFETY—I want to feel protected and secure.

AFFECTION—I want to feel fondness and warmth.

TRUST—I want to have faith in others.

HOPE—I want confidence that I will get what I love and desire.

JOY—I want to feel satisfied and happy.

3. You fear. Through many client consultations and workshops,  with people around the world, I have come to realize that when a conflict stirs powerful emotions of hurt and want, it also touches specific fears. Think about your own troubled relationships. You want to connect, but you fear you’re not attractive enough (or competent enough or smart enough or whatever). You want to be accepted, but you fear you’re not good enough. You want respect, but you fear the other person will look down on you. You want to control your situation, but you fear you are powerless.

Do you see how your fears actually reflect your wants? When you feel your wants won’t be fulfilled, you experience fear:

We can’t live without ________. So we fear ________ (You fill in the blanks)
Acceptance    Rejection
Grace    Judgment
Connection    Disconnection
Companionship    Loneliness
Success    Failure
Self-Determination    Powerlessness
Understanding    Being misunderstood
Love    Being scorned
Validation    Being invalidated
Competence    Feeling defective
Respect    Inferiority
Worth    Worthlessness
Honor    Feeling devalued
Dignity    Humiliation
Commitment    Abandonment
Significance    Feeling unimportant
Attention    Feeling ignored
Support    Neglect
Approval    Condemnation
Wanted    Feeling unwanted
Safety    Danger
Affection    Feeling disliked
Trust    Mistrust
Hope    Despair
Joy    Unhappiness

Although I  have listed twenty-five wants and fears here, thru research & study, I have found that all of our deepest fears & wants stem from our desires for connection and control. Our deepest fears, then, are the fear of losing connection and losing control.

4. You react. If you are like most people, you—consciously and unconsciously—fall into well-worn patterns of reacting when someone pushes your fear button. You’ll do anything to soothe your hurt. You’ll do anything to avoid the awful feeling of want. You’ll do or say anything to calm your fear.

More often than not, your emotions and thinking result in behavior that damages your relationships. When you fear that your wants will not be fulfilled, you react. You may fear losing control, so you try to seize control.

You may fear losing connection, so you try to seize connection. You desperately want your way—to be sovereign, to overcome your feelings of helplessness.

This means that it’s not merely your core fear that disrupts and injures your relationships. It’s how you choose to react &/or respond when someone pushes your fear button. Most of us use unhealthy, faulty reactions & responses to deal with our fear, resulting in sabotaging the relationships that we so desperately desire want, and need most.

The Solution
Overcoming your FEARS. By ultimately replacing the word FEAR in your vocabulary and intellectually understanding your FEAR such as described above, then incorporating the word FAITH into your LIFE, and then LIVING BY FAITH rather than by FEAR, will allow you to live within a confidence of knowing that you do have a right to be ‘happy’ within a relationship without fearing any kind of ‘loss’.  Now then, I understand that of course, is easier said than done, because it takes RELATIONSHIP SKILL, of course.~ More on that topic later. For now, let me guide you to a couple resources that I believe will aid you in understanding more about you. And how you ‘see’ yourself.
Actually, It is your Parents’ Fault:

Why your Romantic Relationship isn’t working and how to Fix It
by Philip Van Munching & Birnie Katz God’s Love Languages by Gary Chapman