Disappearing Act 101

To all of us who’ve ever dated more than ‘one person’ in our life, the disappearing act is more likely than not, quite familiar. The disappearing act has gone viral today with the countless online mating and dating venues. Here today, gone tomorrow, is a characteristic we’ve all become quite conditioned to—-(or not)—and most often at times, even forgetting their name after a week or two, due to another new player in this week’s line up.  If you are on a dating site, you know exactly what I am talking about. And it’s not about to change, any time soon. In fact, I guestimate that it’s actually about to become an epidemic among circulating singles, regardless the age. Therefore, chronological maturity is not a prerequisite for tried and true, Houdini types. 

Both men and women tend to practice this less than honorable trait of disappearing when things are not what they expected, and/or especially after the first time becoming physically intimate. More oftentimes than not, the party who suddenly becomes distant or just vanishes, is due to a variety of reasons, perhaps and primarily due to not being interested in a commitment. Most often when the sexual chemistry for two people is ‘ON’ it will be on during the introduction, and on the first and second date—-and most often people do let it get the best of them and go for it. Sex on the first, second or even third date, does not ‘mean’ it’s a committed relationship. It’s a relationship, yes! But not a committed relationship. A first, second or third date does not equal a committed relationship. Therefore, if you don’t like casual sex in a non-committed relationship, then don’t have sex until you are in committed relationship.

When the guy or gal you just met last week, yes, the one with whom you have great intellectual or physical chemistry, lots of laughs, cute flirtations and five hour convos… and THE ONE with whom you also slept with —- on the first, second or third date suddenly disappears it’s primarily due to the fact that they are just not prepared to deal with ‘what they believe will be’ (and more likely will be) an emotional confrontation by having to break the news to you—that you are one of many and ‘sometimes’—- rather than —-THE only ONE and always.

For those of you who are ‘left’ without a word, wondering—it’s more than difficult to understand. It’s absolutely— at times, more painful than grieving the real ‘death’ of someone you care about. And more often times than not, to have someone just ‘suddenly fall off the map’… can leave you left with feelings of sadness, despair, rejection, and emotional pain wondering ….constantly going over it all asking yourself if you could have done something different, or just something to prevent it. It’s not about you, it’s about them. I promise you, this is true.

To those Houdini’s out there, please reconsider your relational needs prior to leading someone on. If you are playing the field or perhaps a relational sprinter, then at least be upfront and honest—-it’s ok to be a sprinter or a serial dater. That is your choice and we are allowed to ‘choose’ what suits us best in life, even if others disagree. However, just state who you are—-initially, and confidently. Either way—whether it’s on the front end of believing that the person sitting across from you will think you are a jerk or a flake, or at the end when you disappear—- there will be emotional considerations to deal with, for you, too—so why delay the inevitable?