Wounded & Stuck “The Power Behind Your Choice”
YOU’RE NOT STUPID or really STUCK
by Daija DeMornay
Whether male or female, if you’re in an abusive relationship, and you’re having trouble ‘making an exit’ —-you’re not alone. Avoid beating yourself up any more than you’ve already allowed yourself to be beaten. In fact, find the nearest mirror in your home and watch youself while you pat yourself on the back for exhibiting the exceptional strength, or FAITH or whatever it is that is keeping you there in such situation—-it’s important that you remember this one very important idea. And that is this: ‘It’s a POWER’ behind your choice to stay in such horrid situation that will also ‘MOVE YOU’ out of that same wretched situation—- once you redirect ‘that same power’ in a way that will ‘help you gain positive control’ ultimately setting yourself free.
To many people, those who are standing on the outside looking in at their loved ones who continue to live in physically or emotionally abusive relationships—-truly don’t have the faintest idea how to comprehend such state of affairs on a cognitive level. Abuse is truly a difficult ideal to understand &/or comprehend. Studies have proven that it is ‘those who have come from abusive situations or environments’ also may become abusers, whether the abuse is limited to themselves, as in ‘self-destructive abusive behaviors’ or directed toward others. And it is also, difficult to comprehend why anyone would allow themselves to be abused, or remain in an abusive situation. Albeit a futile attempt to make sense out of ‘nonsense’, the key to understanding abusive behaviors and relationships is in becoming educated on the subject in order to better understand how ‘the abuser and the abused’ people visualize their power and ability or inability to take care of themselves, aside from submission and control.
Why people remain in abusive relationships, or better said, why abusive relationships are difficult to ‘move out of’ is due to fact that the ‘cruel environment’ has become familiar. And although [it is] the most unsafe place to be, more often times than not, the abused due to the ‘fear’ they feel, lack the cognitive skill to ‘think right’ in order to actually move themselves away because they’ve given their power (the power needed to move themselves out) over to the abuser. This sort of dilemma actually creates an emotional or physical trap that is as difficult or impossible to move as a 500 pound concrete block.
Therefore, the abused remains ‘trapped’ in the abusive relationship until the ‘Fear Factor’ that is embedded within them, is modified, and removed, ultimately changed and perceived as a ‘Faith Factor’ that will ‘move them’ away from the abusive situation as well as prevent future patterns that create such situations. This isn’t easy and does involve application of cognitive reprogramming, positive reinforcement and behavior modification.
Employing these three components will bring the abused back to a neutral state of being, enabling their self esteem and spiritual awareness to reawaken them of the fact that ‘they can’ change this. It’s a matter of the abused recognizing exactly ‘who they truly are’ giving them their power needed, (that they gave to their abuser) to return. This ultimately fosters the changes due to how ‘their power’ is now being used, and directed. The power, rather than being outwardly projected ‘the power is inwardly directed’ creating an ability to both mentally and physically ‘move’ from the abusive situation into a place of faith and freedom.
This isn’t an easy task, in fact it’s one of the most difficult tasks for a ‘human being, regardless of the age—and epecially so if the person has been in a long term (3+ years) abusive situation or relationship. Clinical, spiritual, and behavioral therapy all play a vital role in assisting the abused person by giving them ‘real action steps’ to regain their power, and ‘exit’ this situation.
Those of us standing on the outside looking in—-asking ourselves and often times asking them, “Why don’t you just Leave?” Is like telling a ‘baby to stop crying’…We must remember that IF the abused could actually see and believe what is occuring, and believed that they have what it takes to actually ‘leave’ the situation, that they would do so. Therefore, rather than ask the question “WHY” they don’t you leave —- when you see someone STUCK in an an abusive relationship or pattern — the better and wiser question to ask is ‘How can I assist this person who appears to be STUCK, miserable and hurting, take their first step toward freedom?’
Remember if a person you know is living in an abusive situation, could leave, or ‘change’ this for themselves, on their own, they would do so in a heartbeat. The reason they cannot is due to the fact that more oftentimes than not ‘they are UNABLE to see’ how to do so or lack the skills necessary to incorporate the action steps necessary to move away from the abuse. And so if the person could do this on their own, they wouldn’t be Stuck there, where they are. So, consider the person—-and all that you know about them. It is from that point that perhaps you can assist them by encouraging them to ‘seek’ help in moving from point A. to point B. Motivating them to alter their lifestyle, or attitude, &/or consider therapy, of some sort in order to reprogram and regain their power will at least get things started. Personal Power is what they do indeed ‘need’ and must have, in order to actually ‘move themselves’ emotionally and physically, from their current abusive situation.
Whether you’re ‘trapped’ or ‘stuck’ or feeling as though you don’t know what to do anymore, but you know that where you are doesn’t feel right or good, then it’s time to ‘move’ as in make a decision to create a ‘change’ that will MOVE YOU away from ‘the current state of mind’ or circumstance you’re in. Take your power back, allow someone to help you ‘regain’ what you need in order to live your best blessed life.
As a client of mine once said… “I’m stuck on Stupid” for staying here in this miserable marriage.”
People of abuse are far from being stupid. In fact more often times than not, they are very powerful, tenacious, strong people. Because to remain in an environment where things are ugly, and especially abusive, there is an intense power behind that force to allow such tenacity and long suffering. Stupid? No, I don’t believe stupid—-does it appear at times to friends and family that their loved one is Stuck on Stupid, yes. Because we value the people we love and want the best for them, and we believe that they are for the most part, intelligent people. And they are. But abuse and the patterns associated with abuse has little or nothing to do with intelligence. It has to do with Power. Control. Desire and Need.
I will be writing/blogging on the subject of Personal Power and Relationships on a weekly basis, and my prayer is that for anyone involved in an abusive situation or relationship that you take a moment to realize that you’re not stupid, and your not alone, and you can regain your power and MOVE AWAY from this painful, destructive and debilitating disease called Abuse.